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How to utilize friends and family to help you cope with divorce.

Friends and Family- The Over Divorce Podcast

Tom tells about his concern regarding losing friends in his divorce and discovering that his friends were still there for him. Adrian discusses how his family supported him and how he looked to his friends on a daily basis.

Tom discusses the pack mentality associated with less-close friends and how some treated him as diseased. He reflects on the point that people don’t think as much about someone else’s divorce as they do their own life.

Adrian discusses the difficulty for men to reach out to their friends and the difficulty men have venting or being patient with someone else’s venting. Tom cites Author John Gray’s  thesis that men don’t listen to aide venting, they listen to try and solve problems.

Tom shares a story of travel strictly for the benefit of interacting with friends. and Adrian shares the dangers of toxic friends and toxic families- those who aggressively judge your behavior and situation. Adrian and Tom also point out that most relationships have both healing and toxic properties.

Tom shares the revolution of trust that comes from sharing the facts of his separation and the truth of the wisdom that you get out of a relationship what you put into it.

Adrian recalls his worry that vocalizing that a relationship is in crisis makes that crisis real. He also reflects on the difficulties presented by the retelling of the banal facts of his divorce bringing back a lot of the original pain of the separation. Tom and Adrian reveal the problem of therapy and its contribution to making divorce seem more inevitable. Adrian share the value of the support that comes from sharing the reality of the divorce with his mom and other members of his family.

Tom points out that friends will support you and remind you that they do, in fact, care about you regardless of what has happened to you.

Adrian reminds the listener that divorce gives you the opportunity to rebuild an identity one more authentic to who you are.

Tom reinforces the the idea that many aspects of the identity that had been suppressed in order to be part of a team may reemerge and the healing that comes after the tearing apart of the old relationship.

Adrian discusses the pleasant and unpleasant surprises that accompany reaching out to friends and family.

Tom discusses the dangers of getting “fixed-up” and Adrian talks shares a story of how people were trying to help him become his old self.

A transcript of this podcast is available here.

How to talk to your kids about divorce and help them cope with it.

Kids -The Over Divorce Podcast

Tom begins the podcast reminding the listener that the welfare of the children is paramount to the state and anyone involved in the dispensation of the assets and the fiscal responsibilities of the divorcing parents.

Adrian shares that in his divorce he and his ex broke up their marriage in phases- and that they were both on the same page in terms.

Tom reflects on the urge to engage children in the communication process and the problems that causes. Adrian reinforces the difficulties in using children as mediators and how it can cause kids to manipulate the situation to their benefit. Adrian continues by reminding the listener about the problem of leaning on your kids for emotional support.

Tom reflects on “manning up” and presenting a stiff upper lip and not allowing the hurt of your break-up to effect the relationship and maintaining continuity.

Adrian reminds the listener that kids will use parental reactions as guides for their own behavior and how they might probe for weakness in discipline and consistency. And discusses examples of how his kids try to use the break-up as a means to get toys and other things that they want.

Tom references Jim Smoke’s Growing Through Divorce’s “Disneyland Dad” and reinforces the critical value of ritual and routine.

Tom and Adrian discuss the value of communicating through email and re-enforce kids inability to support their parents’ emotional well-being.

Tom closes with the importance of separating emotional responses from your children and keeping a positive attitude about your relationships with them-regardless of your emotional state relative to your ex.

Transcript of the podcast is available here