Posts

Larry Bilotta talks with Over Divorce podcast and gives advice to men

How Childhood Trauma Leads To Divorce

Marriage expert Larry Bilotta joins the show to talk about how childhood trauma impacts marriage. Larry is the founder of Life Discoveries, Inc. Larry lived 27 years in a marriage made in hell, but in the 28th year, he fell in love with his wife. Larry and his wife Marsha have completely opposite values, yet are still married over 40 years because of the ideas and tools he discovered throughout those 27 years. Today, Larry teaches husbands and wives how to end anxiety and find calm in the middle of marriage chaos. On the podcast we talk about:

• Why a painful childhood impacts your marriage.
• How the big three pain points from childhood (abandonment, abuse and neglect) can disrupt your marriage and lead to divorce.
• How the programming we received as a child impacts how we act towards our spouses.
• The long term impact of how our parents treated each other and how that plays out in our relationships.
• The three types of relationships (intimate, social and work) that we have and how they change during marriage.
• Some of the attributes that men are unconsciously attracted to in women.
• The danger of men “becoming” their fathers in their marriages.
• The importance of moving from an “against” mindset to that of “acceptance”.
• How thoughts are processed in your brain and how we create meaning out of them.
• Why nobody learns or changes until they are in pain.
• How implementing acceptance and gratitude can change your relationships.

You can find out more about Larry and his courses at http://surviveamidlifecrisis.com/  and www.youcansavethismarriage.com/blog

Also, make sure to follow him on Twitter @LarryBilotta

Camille Milner podcast on divorce coping skills for men

Can A Collaborative Divorce Save You Time, Money And Pain?

Today on the show we have attorney and former Municipal Judge, Camille Milner. Camille has a private law practice, that she started in ’84, where specializes in family law, estate planning, probate and guardianship. Camille’s is the president elect of the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas and the past president of the Denton County Collaborative Professionals. On the show Camille talks about:

  • What collaborative law is and how it can be applied to your divorce.
  • The biggest problems with traditional litigation.
  • How the collaborative law movement got started.
  • Find out about positional based negotiation and why it could be harmful to your divorce settlement.
  • The major differences between mediation, litigation and collaborative law.
  • How to look at your divorce as a way to solve a problem as opposed to fighting with your future ex.
  • The importance of looking at the long term goals of your divorce. Can it be done with your soon to be ex?
  • The best tool for getting your ex’s friends and family to stop fueling the fire of a contentious divorce.
  • Why collaborative law is quicker and cheaper than most traditional litigation.
  • The three critical team members in the collaborative approach.
  • Camille’s best advice for a man going through divorce.

You can find out more about Camille Milner and her practice by going to http://milner-law.com

620 W. Hickory Denton, TX 76201
Phone: 940-383-2674

You can also find out more about Collaborative Law by clicking on the links below:

www.collablawtexas.com
www.dentoncountycollaborativeprofessionals.com
www.texcclaw.com
www.collaborativepractice.com
www.newparadigmtraining.com

Kyle Inghan giving advice to guys that are going through divorce.

How To Be A Gentleman During Your Divorce

Kyle Ingham, founder of The Distilled Man.com, joins the show. The Distilled Man is dedicated to helping guys become better men, it features articles, tips and life hacks that can help guys tackle new skills and live like a well-rounded gentleman. Kyle is also the author of the “48-Hour Gentleman: Your One-Weekend Guide to More Confidence, Poise and Manly Know-How.” During the show we talk about:

  • What he went through through during his split up.
  • Tips on reclaiming your space and your life.
  • Ideas on how to start getting your life on track.
  • Why Tom gets pissed off at Tom Ford and his Peewee Herman suits.
  • The importance of taking risks and trying new things.
  • What does it mean to be a gentleman this day in age?
  • How to find and develop your personal style.
  • The number one key to making a great cocktail.
  • How to make a perfect divorce guy drink.
  • How to make a kick ass steak.
  • Kyle put together a special link for OverDivorce listeners.

Kyle recommends the cook book How to Cook Everything by Mark Bittman.

You can check get Kyles free book here: 48-Hour Gentleman: Your One-Weekend Guide to More Confidence, Poise and Manly Know-How

Make sure that you go to Kyles website at The Distilled Man.com.

Hypnotica talks about confidence during divorce.

Hypnotica On Control, Power and Confidence-The Over Divorce Podcast

Control, power and confidence are discussed in this episode. Famed self-help guru Eric Von Sydow a.k.a. Hypontica joins the podcast. Tom and Adrian” pose questions about dating and figuring out when one is ready to date.

Eric has 20 years of diverse experience running strip clubs and helping people and relationships. He shares tips about “the Inner Game”, recovery from emotional trauma, and how he manages members of Seal teams when things get out of hand. “Chaos keeps you on your toes”.

Adrian and Eric discuss hypnosis and Hoʻoponopono. And how some of Eric’s earlier work helped Adrian transition out of marriage.

Eric also tells about being in an open relationship and breaking up with an ex-girlfriend. and discusses the value of going through pain and the importance of closure even in the context of low levels of communication.

Eric discusses the error of giving away your manhood and surrendering your power. He says it’s about leadership and surrendering the role of leader. Eric says women become resentful of having to take the lead.

Adrian reflects on the value of taking ownership of identity and Eric shares the power of owning the vision and the tragedy of surrendering the vision small piece by small piece. Eric challenges the listener around knowing where their identity is centered and how that gets tested.

Tom adds that the power in a relationship seems to be a function of proactivity vs. reactivity- that reactivity requires less effort and turns to boredom.

Eric makes a strong case for self-love driving the ability to form meaningful relationship and shares tips for self-actualization, including being the person you want to be first. A self audit becomes critical to self-development. He also shares some tips for taking responsibilities, for vision, and acknowledging where you are and leaving victimhood behind.

Eric promotes practical use of dating sites, advocates for a short rebound after divorce , and to be as social as possible as quickly as possible. He makes the point that there is more than one way to grieve.

Adrian notes that the hard choice and the right choice are often the same.

Eric reinforces the simplicity associated with choosing your path and owning the responsibility of your choices as opposed to being locked-in by fear of the unknown or fear of social rejection. Eric discusses methods of confronting fears in order to break out of personal ruts.

Everyone discusses the meanings and distinctions of good and bad stress. and Eric confirms the importance of one’s own opinion of themselves relative to the opinion of others. He also discusses the limits of effort and the importance of systems to assessing efforts put forward to a given outcome.

Brain-hacks and other efforts are discussed in order to take ownership of goals to optimize personal systems.

A transcript is available here.

Podcast about hope and change during your divorce.

Hope and Change The Over Divorce Podcast Episode 10

Hope and Change-
Tom and Adrian discuss the timelines on their personal divorce journeys. Adrian shares both how difficult his journey was and and when the difficulty ended. but remembers that it took what is typically an 18 month period.

Adrian notes the importance of finding things he enjoys and connecting with his children and family. He shares that using the divorce event wisely can help build a better life.

Tom asks about the signs one can look for early on in the divorce event to know that things are going to be ok and notes friendships as being key to that. Adrian adds that it was hard for him to find anything early on but his ability to change his perspective was an early key indicator that things were going to improve. Also that so many guys who have been through what you are going through. Behavioral changes are clear indicators that one has control of their situations.

Adrian points out that Conscious choice and control over those choices builds confidence and that in-turn will confirm that you can have a better live and the value you bring.

Adrian and Tom point out the value of volunteering in helping to re-define your personality. And Adrian reminds us of the power of time to heal all wounds.

Tom reflects on what a powerful relief the resolution of his divorce agreement. and that research shows talking about painful events decrease their trauma

Adrian re-shares his tip about finding a restaurant to become a regular at in order to get to know new people. Tom references James Altucher and his 2 dollar bill tip

A transcript for the podcast can be found here.

How to talk to your kids about divorce and help them cope with it.

Kids -The Over Divorce Podcast

Tom begins the podcast reminding the listener that the welfare of the children is paramount to the state and anyone involved in the dispensation of the assets and the fiscal responsibilities of the divorcing parents.

Adrian shares that in his divorce he and his ex broke up their marriage in phases- and that they were both on the same page in terms.

Tom reflects on the urge to engage children in the communication process and the problems that causes. Adrian reinforces the difficulties in using children as mediators and how it can cause kids to manipulate the situation to their benefit. Adrian continues by reminding the listener about the problem of leaning on your kids for emotional support.

Tom reflects on “manning up” and presenting a stiff upper lip and not allowing the hurt of your break-up to effect the relationship and maintaining continuity.

Adrian reminds the listener that kids will use parental reactions as guides for their own behavior and how they might probe for weakness in discipline and consistency. And discusses examples of how his kids try to use the break-up as a means to get toys and other things that they want.

Tom references Jim Smoke’s Growing Through Divorce’s “Disneyland Dad” and reinforces the critical value of ritual and routine.

Tom and Adrian discuss the value of communicating through email and re-enforce kids inability to support their parents’ emotional well-being.

Tom closes with the importance of separating emotional responses from your children and keeping a positive attitude about your relationships with them-regardless of your emotional state relative to your ex.

Transcript of the podcast is available here

Attorneys and divorce advice

An Attorney Walks Into a Podcast- The Over Divorce Podcast

Tom and Adrian sit with Atlanta family law attorney Louis Tesser.

Louis decries the different types of clients and cases he deals with. He then walks us through the “typical divorce” though Louis makes clear that no divorce is typical. It starts with “being served” then information is exchanged form a simple financial statements to interrogatories and depositions. Louis discusses “the scandal of family law” is that it is very expensive. Most people trust the info they get. Louis reinforces that middle class people’s finances aren’t that complicated. W-2’s create more transparency that can make divorce more simple.

Tom reinforces the idea that interrogatory process is torturous.

The group discuss private investigators. Louis contends that P.I.’s are often honest dispute the tendency to distrust. Louis also points out that many behaviors are not as black and white as they might appear. In Georgia, for example adultery doesn’t mean that one who is cheated on does not

Adrian observes that even in a “Matlock case” Private Investigators are rarely helpful and Louis suggests that while that may be true, in cases of alcoholism or drug abuse the use of private investigators to uncover behavior dangerous to children may be essential as people with drug and alcohol problems are skilled at hiding their bad behavior

Louis discusses the jury trial divorce that exists in Georgia, even though almost all other stated adjudicate solely through judges.

Louis explains the typical process for mediation and describes what makes a good mediator. Louis describes the value of certainty, and warned about “fights you don’t need to have”. Louis reminds prospective divorcees that rarely do thing turn out the way one expects regardless of what is known

Tom and louis discuss the apparent ‘capriciousness” of court decisions. Louis rebuts that capricious is a bad term as it implies fancy and whim and that judges do have the best interests of all involved.

Louis reminds the listener that moral judgements are rarely at the core of judges decisions and that practicality typically drives decisions in marital law.

Tom draws a distinction between the divorcing parties being obsessed with the past while judges, juries, mediators, and other officials of the State shared with settling these matters are more concerned with looking forward.

Adrian quips about judicial corruption. Louis points out that in his experience corruption is very rare. he does acknowledge that, in rural areas, support for judicial campaigns may have an effect on outcomes but is unlikely to swing decisions,

Louis suggests that court experience is a good yard stick of experience for selecting representation. He also suggest avoiding excessive litigation and to match your needs to your situation

Louis reminds the litterer that your privileges as a married person are going away. The key is not to extend things out. Louis reminds the listeners to be reasonable in the face of very emotional elements. Adrian points out that emotions become chess pieces in negotiations.

Louis closes with the observation that pretty much everyone goes into marriage honestly and that rebound relationships are very risky. Tom proffers a litmus test where a new partner might be assessed by the amount of drama they bring to the divorce.

A transcript for this podcast is available here

Holidays Over Divorce Podcast Special Episode

Holidays are the focus of this OverDivorce Podcast special.  Hosts Tom and Adrian discuss the challenge of the what the media continually tells is “The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”. Even though for most divorced guys it is the toughest.

Tom shares tips about travel and the importance of getting in the spirit of the holiday. Adrian shares a very entertaining story about the joys of traveling and sitting next to a person of sizable stature.

Tom promised special guests– and here they are

While the Holidays are the toughest time of the year for many divorced people, they don’t have to be and some great tips are shared. Tom and Adrian encourage listeners to engage in activities with Friends, Join family, and volunteer when possible. Focusing on the Holidays can actually distract you from potentially depressing thoughts that can make your new situation much worse.

Adrian reminds us that especially for most younger kids, having separated parents means more gifts and attention. Tom tells a story about how during his first Holiday season he experienced Dickinsonian parties of Christmas past, present and future.

This podcast will help you deal with all the scary propositions of the holiday season and give you some coping tools and some fun stories you can relate to. There’s also a gift inside so don’t miss it. Download or listen now.

Responcibity while going through divorce

How To Take Responsibility During Your Divorce

Taking responsibility during your divorce.

Taking responsibility actually helps expedite the healing process as opposed to delaying the recovery with short-term fixes.
Tom raises the issue of responsibility for making the decisions and actions right even the decision to divorce. It’s a powerful way to take ownership of the decision. Responsibility finds its center with the children. Tom raises the point of the responsibility for self-care.

Adrian advises that in one’s review of the factors leading to a divorce a person should work to see the factors they contributed to and take responsibility for them. Tom wonders about the destructive nature of blaming oneself for the ending of a relationship and how it might reverse the progress.

Responsibility means avoiding a martyr or victim mentality. Work to understand and control what you have over: your own decisions and actions and take ownership and understand them – and let go of the things you don’t.

“Act or Accept” becomes a key mantra as you work to avoid the stigma of “being divorced” Tom notes that this effect becomes more acute as one gets older. He further discusses the isolation that can sometimes drives people away from social interaction. The social pressure to re-engage while profound, can be limiting in self actualization and it’s pressure to belong is rooted in peer group’s desire to normalize the life experience of those close to them.

Tom discusses the analogy of sales and establishing report with prospects. He notes few prospects care about a sales person’s needs.

Adrian reinforces the idea that divorce presents opportunity for reinvention and Tom discusses the convenience of re-setting one’s diet in the context of making better food choices as a key way to begin to adopt good habits.

The message of small-step success is reinforced and Tom shares tips like list-building for using small bits of momentum to avoid disappointment that sabotages and subverts efforts to improve. Adrian discusses the sense of control and confidence that small-step success can bring.

The transcript for this podcast is located here

Making decision during your divorce to help you cope with change.

Making Decisions During Your Divorce

Making Decisions During Your Divorce

Adrian and Tom open by discussing control. What kind of action that can be taken in the context? Tom discusses the futility of reason and persuasion. Tom and Adrian agree that expediting the goal of the partner leaving, and move to righting yourself. Tom discusses his decision about selling his home. Adrian shares the story go how his father advises him about making the decision right as opposed to making the right decision. Adrian furthers the tactic as a means of breaking out of the victim role. Tom challenges Adrian’s thesis about making the decision right in the context of a bad decision. Adrian counters by reflecting on the “time factor” as it relate to make the decision right.

Tom References The Boxer Rebellions song from The Cold Still “Move On”. Divorce is a major disruption to a live of habits. There is an option to taken new habits and make better decision .Tom references ‘The Decision Book’ and Neil Peart with respect to choosing not to make a decision and in doing so still make a choice. He goes on to reflect on things like food and art and life that had been abandoned and need to be re-adopted in order to re-assert their identity. Tom discusses the OK Cupid questions that can strongly predict potential compatibility. Tom discusses the the problem of decision making at work when you question the core decisions you’ve made regarding

Adrian counters by citing The Dr. Paul Dobransky Mind OS by and the value of learning that comes from decisions– even the most banal decisions can help when times are at their most difficult.

Tom and Adrian discuss the value of list building and self-typing in terms of decision processes. Tom reflects on his Astronauts and Marines model of decision making. Two heroic archetypes that make decisions in completely different ways. Tom postulates ways to determine which group you fall into and what your strengths might be depending on your proclivity.

Adrian adds that regardless of your decision style it’s important to get some insight form an expert to help you getting into the habit of making decisions. Tom reinforces Adrian’s point by referencing the importance of building lists and the power of simply adding a task on the list as a means of moving forward–a key theme of the podcast.

Transcript of the podcast is here: Decisions During Your Divorce

Image of a guy trying to get through his divorce

Escapism While Going Through Your Divorce

Escapism While Going Through Your Divorce

We discuss the advantages and disadvantages of escapism while going through your divorce. By escapism we mean “The fun Stuff”: Beer, Wine, Spirits, tobacco, sex and other distractions. It is easy to go down a negative path when you are facing the challenges of a divorce. This path can lead to a life time of problems and hardship. Tom shares his flirtations with alcohol and Adrian shares is affection for nicotine. The idea of escapes adding to the work and hardship of divorce is explored and the difficulty of quitting vices is identified.

We talk about the importance of moderation while trying to find the balance of distracting your self in a positive way when you are going through a divorce. We discuss the great benefits that exercise can have on your mind and body. Exercise has been proven to be more effective than medication to help with depression, something that usually goes hand-in-hand when going through a divorce. We talk about doing yoga and some of the good things that can come out of exploring that. Adrian advocates hiking and Tom discusses the vanity surrounding starting a regime and how to combat the embarrassment of starting to exercise and setting achievable goals.

Adrian applies the Japanese manufacturing Kaizen principals to starting a healthy exercise program. The idea of taking small, seemingly insignificant, steps to keep you moving forward during your divorce. We also chat about the benefits of martial arts and how they can help you while going through your divorce.

Be sure to check out our divorce recovery guide, it will give you some great advice and techniques to help cope with your divorce.

If you want to read a transcript of the “Escapism While Going Through A Divorce” then you can check it out here: Escapism While Going Through Your Divorce

 

Logo for over divorce a podcast dedicated to helping men get through their divorce

Welcome To The Over Divorce Podcast For Men

Over Divorce Podcast Overview

Adrian and Tom re-cut the first episode of the podcast in order to be able to provide insight into the upcoming shows.This Podcast is an overview of the show, which is devoted to make the divorce event a growth opportunity. We are here to provide advice and coping skills to men that are going through a divorce. We will be interviewing guests and industry experts to get the best advice and insights into getting over your divorce. The podcast reviews Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are each explored as an anecdotal framework for the stages of divorce recovery. Tom and Adrian discuss the roller-coster of emotions that people grieving divorce go through. We talk about the hell that you go through when getting a divorce. We also discuss the ebbs and flows of mood and antidotes for wide swings in mood.

Here are some previews into future episodes:

Escapism

Decisions

Responsibility

Presence

Kids

Friends and Family

Legal Matters with Louis Tesser

Forgiveness

Hope

New Love

We share some of our hurdles, struggles and what we have learned along the way. Adrian and Tom discuss the failure of rational thought in the face of emotional collapse and the accompanying shock that occurs.The requirement of consensus in the modern marriage is discussed. There is also an appeal to join the community via the bulletin board as well as a review of the 60 in 60 guide available by simply providing an email address.

If you like what you have heard on the podcast, please give us a review on iTunes it would really help to get the word out about the podcast. Also make sure that you check out our eBook on coping with divorce, it’s free and it might give you some good techniques and tips for getting over your divorce.

A Transcript of the podcast is available here